zoot lynam demoted

This is pretty tough.

As an actor, coming into the world of dance, I am not sure of my place.

I am unfamiliar with the process.

For the past weeks I've been flailing. Disconnected tasks and exercises to try to bring something alive - Blake as he was aged 8; or me as I was aged 8; or me today - without much sense of where to begin, nor how Fleur sees these excerpts being used in the show. And Fleur is clearly a choreographer not a theatre director.

I can sense I'm not giving her what she wants. I feel as unsatisfied with what I'm doing as I imagine she is, but neither am I getting a clear enough sense of what is wanted from me.

At one point I felt I started getting somewhere. Although I'm not a dancer, I worked on a rather lovely little movement sketch with a ladder. Simple. Beautiful. Poetic. I enojy it.

But today the weather has changed. I've been demoted as actor. For now.

It's hard not to take it as a knock on my acting abilities. Hard, I guess, because I know that it is. I know I haven't been doing it right. I just don't know what “doing it right” is for this show.

I would prefer to be told straight up - “We're not happy with what you're doing. Here's why. And here's what we're doing about it. What do you think?”

Whether that is actually what Fleur thinks, I don't know. My inner 8 year old pipes up: it's because I'm no good and mummy's been desperately trying to get rid of me, but not knowing how to tell me. Not wanting to hurt my feelings.

I'm sure it's partly true, but I also fully trust that the decision is in the best interests of the show.

My insecurity is only temporary. And minor - I'm not having a career crisis. I know that I am a good actor. (Of course, I also know I can improve. Always.)

So. now I'm just in the music corner, with Paul. It's been difficult to know how to join in with Paul – the music he makes is great, but I've been intimidated by what seems like a very confident man doing his thing with loops and pedals - not really knowing what I can do to fit in. Today, however, we really made good music together.

And it felt great.